The Dreaded D Word

As the title of my blog suggests, I live in Toronto (YYZ is the airport code for my city). It's not a myth that most moms in this city put their children on day care waiting lists when they are about three-months pregnant. It can be that difficult to get a spot.

We were on 12 day care waiting lists, and through some miracle, a spot appeared at our number one choice. When I was told a spot was available I burst into tears. They were not tears of joy. They were not relieved tears. They were "OhmygoodnesssomeoneelseisgoingtobewithmybabyalldaywhileIamatwork" tears.

I go back to work mid-January and was hoping to keep Hannah home with me as much as possible until then. Instead, she'll start day care next week. So I can be around if any issues arise. And I won't have to take any sick days in case she falls ill (it would be horrible of me to WISH sickness upon her...even if that does mean more time for us to spend together). Plus, we have to pay for the spot whether she's there or not.

We've been to the day care twice. And each time, I've cried afterwards.

The day care itself is all I hoped it would be. The children are happy, the workers are responsible and it's close to our place AND my Mom's.

But my heart still hurts. How I am supposed to be OK with being away from Hannah? I carried her for 40 weeks (AND TWO DAYS) in my belly before spending almost every waking moment of the last 11 months with her. My mind just can't get around someone else feeding her, changing her diaper, playing with her - and this is where my green monster really comes out - hearing her giggle and seeing her million dollar smiles.

Did you ever watch the episode about why the Simpsons have no pictures of Maggie in their house? And then you find out Homer basically has a shrine to her at the nuclear power plant? I can see my desk area becoming like that. And I can see spending the same amount of time in the work washroom as I did when I was pregnant. This time it won't be to pee, it will be to collect myself and dry my tears.

Thankfully I have a few amazing co-workers who will make the transition slightly easier for me. One even has a daughter who is seven months older than Hannah, so I know I won't be the only one missing my child.

How did you deal with going back to work?

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